The Body May Age, But Romance Stays Fresh

Kate Zernike. Love in the Time of Dementia. The New York Times, November 18, 2007

1. So this, in the end, is what love is.
2. What culture tells us about love is generally young love. Songs and movies and literature show us the rapture and the betrayal, the breathlessness and the tears. The O'Connors' story, reported by the couple's son in an interview with a television station in Arizona, where Mr. O'Connor lives in an assisted-living center, opened a window onto what might be called, for comparison's sake, old love.
3. "This is right up there in terms of the cutting-edge ethical and cultural issues of late life love," said Thomas R. Cole, director of the McGovern Center for Health, Humanities and the Human Spirit at the University of Texas, and author of a cultural history of aging. "We need moral exemplars, not to slavishly imitate, but to help us identify ways of being in love when you're older."
4. "There's a difference between love as it is presented in movies and music as this jazzy sexy thing that involves bikini underwear and what love actually turns out to be," said the psychologist Mary Pipher, whose book "Another Country" looked at the emotional life of the elderly. "The really interesting script isn't that people like to have sex. The really interesting script is what people are willing to put up with."
5. "Young love is about wanting to be happy," she said. "Old love is about wanting someone else to be happy."
6. "As people get older, they seem to naturally look at the world through positivity and be willing to accept things that when we're young we would find disturbing and vexing," said John Gabrieli, a professor of cognitive neuroscience at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and one of the researchers.
7. "As you get older you begin to recognize that this isn't going to last forever, for better or for worse," said Laura L. Carstensen, director of the Stanford Center on Longevity and a research counterpart of Dr. Gabrieli's in the brain imaging research. "You understand that the bad times pass, and you understand that the good times pass," Dr. Carstensen said. "As you experience them, they're more precious, they're richer."
8. Still, for all those kinds of complications, those who study aging can only smile at young lovers who say they never want to become like an old married couple. Despite the popular preference for young love, the O'Connors' example suggests that we should all aspire to old love, for better and for worse.